I wanted to be just like “them.” And for the many decades I tried, it never worked out very well. I kept asking myself over and over again: “Why?” I assumed I wasn’t trying hard enough. At least that’s what so many people told me. They also told me to relax and just be myself. But what did that mean?

If I could be like “them,” then I would be accepted into their corner of the world. But was that my corner of the world? Where did I really fit in? And just what would that “I” look like? Who would I be? And, most importantly — Would I be accepted?

Let’s start with the phrase “just be yourself.”

Hmmm – who is that? What do I want? What do I believe in? What would the ideal friend be like? How many should I have? I know that seems like I’m overthinking this, but the reality is that at one point in my life — when I was 50 — I did not have the answers to those questions. I was so busy trying to fit in I was never genuinely comfortable. In other words, the “friends” I had were not a good fit. Like a pair of shoes — if the shoes don’t fit, then you don’t buy them, right? And if you did buy them and then discover they don’t fit well, you don’t wear them. Well, if I followed that logic, I wasn’t sure I was going to have any friends. So, now what? 

I started to keep a journal of my emotions and how I felt about my choices. After writing and reading what I wrote, I came to the conclusion that rather than get excited when someone asked me to go somewhere with them and just say yes, that I would stop and think, “Do I really want to do that?” I needed to learn to be a bit braver and say, “No, thank you.” But that was hard when my state of mind was that saying yes was the best way to feel accepted. I was certain that not saying yes meant risking that I could lose those friendships. It was uncomfortable to say the least; and at the same time it was very sad.

I remember when I first decided that I would listen to that little voice inside me that said, “You really don’t want to do this” and simply say, “No thank you.” I had a very close friend who was so negative and every time I was with her, I found myself joining her negative conversations — for no reason; just because. I always left her wondering why I hung around people who brought me down? I was trading my personality for “friendship.” But I was not a negative person. It is not who I am! So one day I said. “No, thank you.” She was very surprised and I told her maybe another time. To be honest, I did have a lot of guilt for making that decision. But I had to do it if I was going to move forward and begin to travel down a path that would lead me to a more fulfilling life. And so I did.

I continued doing this in both my work and private life. It started to feel good. I was beginning to take charge of my life. If I felt that going with someone to an event was truly what I wanted to do, then I would say yes. At work, if a fellow employee guaranteed me his idea would have a successful outcome but that voice inside me was saying, “Not gonna work,” I had to learn to present my thoughts and ideas in as positive a manner as I could so he or she would not get offended at my disagreeing, but at the same time listen openly to my reasoning. I was no longer going to trade who I was for what seemed to be a chance at friendship. I applied the same behavior in parenting. I learned to do what was best for my kids, not what was going to win me popularity.

This journey I had placed myself on was truly about learning to like myself, as well as liking the choices I was making. I took it a day at a time and listened to myself and evaluated the choices I was about to make. One day, I realized that the number of friends I had didn’t matter anymore, but that knowing what made me comfortable, did matter. I still saw some of my old friends, but life started taking me in a different direction and I was enjoying it. I was where I wanted to be. It seems I had spent too much of my life trying to be “them” and not enough time and effort trying to be “me.” It was then that I knew it’s never too late to make a change and that if you stay true to your course, that change you make now will last the rest of your life.

So what about you? Are you comfortable with who you are? With how you react and respond to those around you? Are you being true to you? Or trying too hard to fit in?

If you’d really like to change your life and alter the direction you’re currently heading, why not start by making observations of your behaviors and thoughts? Write them down. Read them over. Listen to yourself. How do you feel about the decision you are about to make? Are you making the best choices?

By making a change, it just might mean a brighter future and one that’s surrounded with love — your love for yourself.