Don’t You Think I Know That?
By the time I was 35, I must have had 18 jobs, maybe more. I should have known something was amiss but I never considered that I had a problem that was causing my job odyssey, my sojourn through the pursuit of “other options.” But I did. And it took me until I was 50 to discover what it was.
I have ADHD.
My problems with jobs had to do with my poor communication skills, controlling negative thinking, and my nearly complete inability to keep frustrated responses silent — I couldn’t keep my mouth shut.
If this sounds familiar, think back to when you were a child and questions were asked about things you already knew had to be done. “Did you do your homework? Did you remember to do . . . . (fil in the blank)?” You recognize yourself, don’t you?
Now think back to your college years when professors didn’t want to hear excuses any longer as to why you didn’t show up for a meeting or do your assignment. Same thing?
Fast forward to your current work environment. What’s going on here? Late reports? Missed deadlines? Not communicating well with your boss? And has it always been like this for you?
If you’re like me, when we take the time to look at our previous work experiences, we realize that our communications were very much about defending ourselves. It became a way of life. How often do people respond to our defensive replies by asking, “Why are you angry”? Or saying, “I wasn’t accusing you.”
There are responsibilities that are expected of us at every stage of life. If you are tired of feeling that people think you are stupid, or that you didn’t know something because you didn’t complete the task or assignment, then try this skill, something I call a Speed Break.
As soon as a question is posed to you, and before you say a word, listen for the negative comment in your mind, what you were about to be say. Then, don’t say it. Take the question at face value and accept it for what it seems to be on the surface. Once you’ve taken this Speed Break, simply answer the question in just a few words — short and positive. This type of response keeps you from sounding as if you are defending yourself. Now you can proceed to take action on what is needed.
Our ADHD minds are always in fast forward. Always! So while forgetting is very frustrating for anyone, it’s a more difficult and frequent part of life for those of us with ADHD. Of course, to make something happen, writing things down and setting alarms make the most sense.
But let me tell you what happened when my alarm and reminder went off.
After a few times of listening to my alarm, I’d just tap stop and tell myself, “I’ll make sure to do that later.” For a reminder alarm, I’d tap “done” and tell myself, “I’ll make sure to do that later.” Did that happen? Rarely.
So, I concluded that alarms and reminders don’t work for me. I was so disappointed in myself, I just had no discipline. Can you relate?
It took me some time to figure this out but what I decided to do was to create a rule around this. I’m big on rules and rules are great Speed Breaks. And they help me be accountable to myself.
Here’s my rule. It’s number 16 in my list.
1. Take action! If an alarm or reminder goes off and you can’t do what it was set for, then you have to reset the alarm.
2. If the alarm was to remind you to do something for someone else, you have to send a quick email or a text and give them a heads up if you can’t follow through. That is ALWAYS greatly appreciated.
I love this rule and I feel good because I’m not letting someone down — either me or someone else.
__________________________________________________________
PS. There are 15 more rules in “Unraveling ADHD. How I turned my greatest deficit into my greatest asset” that I created to help me turn my life around.