To Call Out:
To confront one about one’s misdeeds or unpleasant behavior.

— The Free Dictionary by Farlex

My ADHD clients all too often set themselves up for failure. I know, because I did the same thing — until one day in my late 40s when I began to question why I kept calling myself out. I actually thought I was making legitimate excuses just like others did. I believed I was making myself look or feel that I was in control — and maybe even funny. Does that make any sense? Of course not!

I can still hear my mom yelling at me. I was late for church, for school, the last one to get in the car, and so on and so on. Then anyone else in earshot did the same and started blaming me for everything.

And then, of course, is the admission of guilt! Can you believe I hit the curb with my car again! I overcooked the dessert so I apologized. I got another speeding ticket and no money to pay it. I failed my test and I’m going to fail the class.

When I worked in offices many years ago, I would walk into a meeting late and immediately announce, “Sorry, I’m late; you know me! What do you expect from a scatter brain?” I continued to make these statements without thinking about how it made me look. I justified it by telling myself everyone does that and they never get in trouble. Later I learned that wasn’t true. The difference was that I said these things for every meeting or event I went to. Others in the room said it maybe twice in a year.

The jig is up! After hearing ourselves make these excuses or admissions of guilt so frequently, we often begin to get negative feedback such as “What’s new; Maybe you should set an alarm; Yeah, we know; Like I haven’t heard that before; and more. And it didn’t make me feel good at all. I was embarrassed, felt guilty for saying such things over and over.

The realization came to me that I was repeatedly letting everyone know I messed up — and often. I invited people to laugh at me for all the things I didn’t do right. And then I laughed with them. In the work environment I did the same thing. In reality, I wasn’t setting myself up to be seen as a stellar employee, looking for the next raise. I ruined my own reputation by trying to be just like others. I did the same thing in college.

So, if that’s true, how do we reverse the damage? First of all, remind yourself that you are not ‘just like others.’ Start listening to yourself and monitor how often you call yourself out! Think about what situations justify these outbursts.

What’s really effective is to journal at the end of the day and answer these four questions:

1. What did I say today that upsets me now?
2. How do I feel about that?
3. Who did it affect, including myself?
4. How will I stop myself from saying those things the next time?

While all this calling out pain is true, know that there are times when we might talk about one of our mistakes in order to help a person feel a little better about their difficult situation.

And that’s okay.

Joyce Kubik

“All the noise in my brain.
I clamp it to the page so it will be still.”

— Barbara Kingsolver