Marriage Uncomplicated
A marriage is a precious union. But when one spouse or partner struggles with ADHD, they both struggle with ADHD. Research shows us that when you don’t understand or manage your ADHD effectively, it can be draining on a marriage often leading to separation and divorce.
I was married for 20 years before I realized I had ADHD. Incomplete tasks and projects were found everywhere. I tried to explain it to my husband as ‘controlled chaos’ — but in reality, it’s that controlled chaos that put my relationship at risk. It was also my inability to understand that I thought differently than my husband who did not have ADHD. Thinking differently is not the same as “I am different.”
To think differently means that the person without ADHD thinks about one or two things at a time. They pick one thing to focus on and decide what they need to do first, second, and third. I, on the other hand, have a constant flow of information every day. I immediately want to do everything that is on my mind, and I begin multitasking to get it all done. As much as we like to think that multitasking is just what we do, it is where chaos begins. For some reason I feel I have to do whatever I’m thinking about right then and there. But do I really need to do them “right then and there?” I say, YES, because I’ll forget if I don’t! He says, NO, do it later!
It was frustrating for my husband to see this chaos unfold every day. I didn’t seem to think it was a problem because my way of thinking felt normal to me. It’s how I’ve thought all my life. So seeing it as a problem didn’t make sense to me. I just needed to get better at juggling everything.
I felt bad that my chaos affected others. So, I decided it was time to do some observations to see what I could learn. I needed to think about the random thoughts that were popping into my head. Did I need to do them now or did I just want to do them now? I came to the realization that most things could have been done later, or even the next day. But how would I remember them? I always seem to forget and that is so darn frustrating!
I remembered when my husband needed my help with a project the following evening. Without thinking ahead, I quickly said I was available. That evening, I was cleaning up the kitchen and my mind reminded me that I had to get a couple emails out that are important. My mind also told me that I forgot that I promised someone I’d call them earlier. And, my friend was stopping by to pick up something. She loves to talk. You probably can guess what happened. Instead of finishing up in the kitchen, I took care of the three things that popped into my head. And my friend hung around for a good hour before she left.
In the background, I could hear my husband working on the project in the bedroom — without me! So I hurried to the room to say in a bubbly voice, “I’m here! What can I do?” This was hardly the first time this happened and he was far from cheerful. He was upset and disappointed. We got into an argument. I defended my behavior to the nth. I wanted to cry. I screwed up once again.
Disappointing him hurt me the most. And I just didn’t know how to change that. I rethought what had happened. I tried to be honest with myself and see the situation for what it was. I had defended my actions to make it sound as if I couldn’t help it.
Speed Break! Taking ownership for my behavior
First, I needed to recall a mantra I created several years ago. “Just because you think of it doesn’t mean you have to do it.” Write that down! I needed to be mindful that my husband and I were working on a project that evening. Then when the idea of answering emails and making a phone call occurs, I need to think of the best time to make that happen, just not tonight. And, when my mind said I needed to call someone, I needed to immediately write that down for later that evening or the next day. When my friend came over, I needed to politely tell her I couldn’t talk as my husband and I were working on a project. She would have understood.
And now, the importance of using a planner is back in my lap once again. Like most people with ADHD, I didn’t like planners because I kept forgetting to look at them! But maintaining a planner is what needs to happen to gain control. It took some time, but I eventually mastered using a planner and my life is so much calmer. My first suggestion to you is to set an alarm to look at your planner every night. This will allow you to look ahead one day and see what is happening so you can plan other things accordingly.
In an future blog, I will talk about using a planner. In the meantime, if you have questions about that, drop me a line or call and we can get a start on creating a calmer future for you.
And your spouse!
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Research Study for couples where one has ADHD
I am part of a team that conducted a research study on the effect of ADHD coaching on a relationship where one partner has ADHD and one does not. The workshops in our study proved extraordinarily helpful for the couples.